We need to be around our families not because we have so many shared experiences to talk about, but instead because they know precisely which subjects to avoid.

It also allows you to look as though you're not particularly from the present, future or past, either.

The future and eternity are two entirely different things.

Fondue sets, martini shakers and juicing machines: three things the world could live completely without.

You can never become rich unless you like rich people.

There are three things we cry about in life, things that are lost, things that are found, and things that are magnificent.

Where does personality end and brain damage begin?

New York is a theme park for people with IQs over 108.

Thinking you're immortal is weirdly similar to being immortal.

Is there anything in the world more annoyingly creepy than an unspoken dress code?

Clowns drink to blot out the ravages of terrifying children for a living.

Eagles are seagulls with a good hairdo.

I know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?

We live in an era with no historical precedents. History is no longer useful as a tool in helping us understand current changes.

The person who needs the other person the least in a relationship is the stronger member.

Technology favors horrible people.

Nothing very very good and nothing very very bad ever lasts for very very long.

Make your goals big and broad enough so that they never become answered prayers and boomerang to curse you.

There's a lot to be said for having a small manageable dream.

Life always kills you in the end, but first it prevents you from getting what you want.

I think the killers get far too much attention.

Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking.

Forget sex or politics or religion, loneliness is the subject that clears out a room.

Too much free time is certainly a monkey's paw in disguise. Most people can't handle a structureless life.

Failure is authentic, and because it's authentic, it's real and genuine, and because of that, it's a pure state of being.

When you crop the photo, you tell a lie.

Tofu hot dogs are actually scarier than real hot dogs. It's like wanting the worst possible meat product without even the thrill of it actually being meat.

Forget about being world famous, it's hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence.

Big companies are like marching bands. Even if half the band is playing random notes, it still sounds kind of like music. The concealment of failure is built into them.

It's difficult to speak with beautiful people. No matter how hard you try to pretend otherwise, you still want them to like you.

If you're not a tree hugger, then you're a what, a tree hater?

Lottery tickets are a surtax on desperation.

Your body isn't just a body. It's an ecosystem.

Earth was not built for six billion people all running around and being passionate about things. The world was built for about two million people foraging for roots and grubs.

People are pretty forgiving when it comes to other people's families. The only family that ever horrifies you is your own.

Sometimes the best lighting of all is a power failure.

Your ability to rationalize your own bad deeds makes you believe that the whole world is as amoral as you are.

Birds are a miracle because they prove to us there is a finer, simpler state of being which we may strive to attain.

I don't want any vegetables, thank you. I paid for the cow to eat them for me.

There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off.

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.

If your life had lyrics, would they be any good?

Never loan a book to someone if you expect to get it back. Loaning books is the same as giving them away.

Every human being you see in the course of a day has a problem that's sucking up at least 70 percent of his or her radar.

Once you see someone lose it, you can never look at them the same way again.

Nature is one great big wood-chipper. Sooner or later, everything shoots out the other end in a spray of blood, bones and hair.

If cats were double the size they are now, they'd probably be illegal.

Sometimes failure isn't an opportunity in disguise, it's just you.

What if God exists except it turns out he doesn't really like people very much?