I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.