I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Think off-center.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Always do whatever's next.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The status quo sucks.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.