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There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

H. L. Mencken
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Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
H. L. Mencken
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
H. L. Mencken
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.
H. L. Mencken
A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.
H. L. Mencken
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
H. L. Mencken
The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt.
H. L. Mencken
Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed.
H. L. Mencken
I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.
H. L. Mencken
Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse.
H. L. Mencken
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
H. L. Mencken
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
H. L. Mencken
Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
H. L. Mencken
Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly.
H. L. Mencken
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
H. L. Mencken
The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.
H. L. Mencken
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
H. L. Mencken
I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.
H. L. Mencken
No one in this world has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
H. L. Mencken
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
H. L. Mencken
The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
H. L. Mencken
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
H. L. Mencken
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
H. L. Mencken
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
H. L. Mencken
All government, of course, is against liberty.
H. L. Mencken
There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.
H. L. Mencken
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
H. L. Mencken
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.
H. L. Mencken
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
H. L. Mencken
No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.
H. L. Mencken
A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.
H. L. Mencken
Life is a dead-end street.
H. L. Mencken
No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.
H. L. Mencken
Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.
H. L. Mencken
As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft.
H. L. Mencken
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
H. L. Mencken
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
H. L. Mencken
No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.
H. L. Mencken
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H. L. Mencken
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
H. L. Mencken
Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince.
H. L. Mencken
Most people want security in this world, not liberty.
H. L. Mencken
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
H. L. Mencken
We must be willing to pay a price for freedom.
H. L. Mencken
It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause.
H. L. Mencken
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
H. L. Mencken
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
H. L. Mencken
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.
H. L. Mencken
Every man is his own hell.
H. L. Mencken