Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

When in doubt tell the truth.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

All right, then, I'll go to hell.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.