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It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Mark Twain
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Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
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There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
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I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
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Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
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It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
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Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
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Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
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What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
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The lack of money is the root of all evil.
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In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
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When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
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Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
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If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
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Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
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I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
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Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
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The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
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No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
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Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
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Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
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Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Mark Twain
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
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Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
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My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
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When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
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Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
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There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
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The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
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The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
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When in doubt tell the truth.
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Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Mark Twain
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
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Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
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When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
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Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
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The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
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The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
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I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
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The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
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The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Mark Twain
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
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The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
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Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
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Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
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Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Mark Twain