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There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

Mark Twain
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Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Mark Twain
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Mark Twain
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
Mark Twain
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
Mark Twain
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
Mark Twain
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
Mark Twain
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
Mark Twain
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
Mark Twain
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Mark Twain
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Mark Twain
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Mark Twain
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
Mark Twain
If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
Mark Twain
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Mark Twain
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
Mark Twain
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
Mark Twain
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
Mark Twain
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
Mark Twain
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Mark Twain
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Mark Twain
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Mark Twain
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
Mark Twain
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Mark Twain
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Mark Twain
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Mark Twain
When in doubt tell the truth.
Mark Twain
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Mark Twain
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
Mark Twain
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
Mark Twain
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Mark Twain
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
Mark Twain
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
Mark Twain
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
Mark Twain
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Mark Twain
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
Mark Twain
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
Mark Twain
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
Mark Twain
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
Mark Twain
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Mark Twain
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Mark Twain