I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad.

The idea of licking stamps seemed great fun for me.

I've got a new relationship and I'm trapped in this old life.

Gag me with a spoon!

I like to think of myself as a New Yorker, which is pathetic.

I would think: Stay close to the implants! They must know something because they keep getting asked backstage!

If there's anything more mortifying than being famous at 14, it's being washed up right after.

I made enough money to buy a house. That's crazy, but fame proved ephemeral.

I grew up with too much freedom. You can't define yourself.

I had a friend whose family had dinner together. The mother would tuck you in at night and make breakfast in the morning. They even had a spare bike for a friend. It just seemed so amazing to me.

Not many people know what their parents sound like having sex. It was noisy.

My mother tells this story that when I first went to school, I thought I was going to help the teachers. I didn't realise I was going to get educated.

I'm totally convinced I can write the perfect pop song.

My Dad was so open creatively that I was off in search of black turtleneck bathing suits with long sleeves.

I should just drive around this city and take photos of all the buildings I've been humiliated in.

Every job I've ever gotten has been an accident. All the jobs I actually go after, I don't get.

I didn't have any concept of age or authority. I remember realising, Oh, the world has rules and we don't.

My mother did literally hitchhike barefoot to the country store.

I spent most of my life locked in my bedroom, miserable about my raging acne.

It occurred to me, when I was old enough to make rules of my own, that they should be fair and simple.

How strange, when your father's wearing women's clothes and platform shoes, that a pair of loafers looks incredible.

We had two rules growing up in my house: If you're going to take a shower, do it with whomever you're dating so you don't waste water; and if you buy one for yourself, buy six, because everybody's going to want one.

I peaked early. I was told I'd missed my boat.

I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad.

Your own experience keeps taking you towards something. My book adds the hope that it's a better something.

I don't want to lose my name because that's how I know myself. There is a legacy here.

I have a tree man coming to trim the jacaranda in my front garden.

Everyone has flaws. Its a matter of finding the ones you can live with.

It's funny, 'cause it seems like just yesterday that I was the youngest player just starting out. But now there are young players all over the league, and they'll ask me questions about playing overseas or finding an agent.

When Frank the Pug is singing I Will Survive, the only reason it's funny is that Will is in that shot trying not to get angry. A shot of a dog singing I Will Survive on its own will not get a laugh.

I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.

Robert Altman's Nashville is my all-time favorite film because it covers all the bases - it's original, moving, and has something to say, but also funny and incredibly entertaining.

You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody.

There's a constant flow of child actors. It's kind of funny to watch the new crew come through. I think, You poor little things. You're going to have to struggle for a long time.

For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.

I don't think there has been any increase in sophistication in the audience. When people are aware of a concept that's easy to understand, and there's an actor who will attract them to the theater and it's a movie that's funny three-quarters of the time, it will be successful.

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

So while it is true that I find really dark stuff funny sometimes, it's also true that as a writer of books I want to have the whole range of human emotions.

When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government, the fundamentalists say that we and the Bush Administration are in the same camp. The funny thing is that human rights activists and Mr. Bush can never be situated in the same group.

So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work.

Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed.

Baldwin is sort of getting to be a bit funny. I don't know what happened, but a few years ago they suddenly went bankrupt and Gibson bought the whole outfit. Since then they haven't seemed to be doing an awfully good job of providing pianos.

It's funny how sometimes how the public some people think I was born like this. That I maybe I sleep and I do big muscle, but its a lot of work to look like this and to be in this kind of condition.

I think back to some of the things Harry said and some of the things I said trying to be funny. If I said them now, it would be on the front page of every newspaper in the country.

Shirley MacLaine said, You're so funny, then gave me a hug. Everything went white. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see. I thought I was going to pass out.