In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.

You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

You may be surprised to discover you're rich, especially if you're broke.

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.