I never met a kid I liked.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I drink therefore I am.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

I like children - fried.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.