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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

W. C. Fields
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. Fields
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. Fields
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
W. C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. Fields
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. Fields
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
W. C. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. Fields
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W. C. Fields
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields