I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.

Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.

When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.

The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Even though you are on the right track - you will get run over if you just sit there.

Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.

Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.

The schools ain't what they used to be and never was.

Things ain't what they used to be and never were.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father."