Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.

Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Historian - a broad-gauge gossip.

Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.

Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.