I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Like, if Jerry Seinfeld wasn't funny, you'd want to punch him in the face; he'd just seem like a whiner to you. But the fact is that he's funny.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.

I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

It's good to be alive.

It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out a way to do it on stage.

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.

People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such a special thing. It took him a long time to create this family of fans, and I was lucky to be a part of that for a while.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.

The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!

Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.

When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.'