Bill Maher

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

You dont need a weapon to protect yourself.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

It's all been satirized for your protection.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

False hope really makes you cynical.

The public is gullible. ... If many satirists are making the same joke thats the danger. Then theres a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

When you tolerate intolerance, you're not really being a liberal.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. Its also been lying about its weight.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Fascism is when corporations become the government.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.