If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

An actor entering through the door, you've got nothing. But if he enters through the window, you've got a situation.

I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood.

Happiness is working with Jack Lemmon.

It was hell at the time, but after it was over, it was wonderful.

Now, what is it which makes a scene interesting? If you see a man coming through a doorway, it means nothing. If you see him coming through a window - that is at once interesting.

What critics call dirty in our pictures, they call lusty in foreign films.

One's too many, and a hundred's not enough.

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

I have ten commandments. The first nine are, thou shalt not bore. The tenth is, thou shalt have right of final cut.

If there's anything I hate more than being taken seriously, it's being taken too seriously.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you can't tear the toilet paper.

My Aunt Minnie would always be punctual and never hold up production, but who would pay to see my Aunt Minnie?

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

They've tried to manufacture other Marilyn Monroes and they will undoubtedly keep trying. But it won't work. She was an original.

Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award.

Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's.

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel.

You have to have a dream so you can get up in the morning.

Hollywood didn't kill Marilyn Monroe, it's the Marilyn Monroes who are killing Hollywood.

France is the country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

A director must be a policeman, a midwife, a psychoanalyst, a sycophant and a bastard.

I've met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

Don't be too clever for an audience. Make it obvious. Make the subtleties obvious also.

An audience is never wrong. An individual member of it may be an imbecile, but a thousand imbeciles together in the dark - that is critical genius.

We are on the track of something absolutely mediocre.

If there's anything I hate more than not being taken seriously, it's being taken too seriously.

Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own instead of someone elses.

France is the only country where the money falls apart and you cant tear the toilet paper.

France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you cant tear the toilet paper.

Hindsight is always twenty twenty.

The more subtle and elegant you are in hiding your plot points, the better you are as a writer.

It's funny, 'cause it seems like just yesterday that I was the youngest player just starting out. But now there are young players all over the league, and they'll ask me questions about playing overseas or finding an agent.

When Frank the Pug is singing I Will Survive, the only reason it's funny is that Will is in that shot trying not to get angry. A shot of a dog singing I Will Survive on its own will not get a laugh.

I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.

Robert Altman's Nashville is my all-time favorite film because it covers all the bases - it's original, moving, and has something to say, but also funny and incredibly entertaining.

You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody.

There's a constant flow of child actors. It's kind of funny to watch the new crew come through. I think, You poor little things. You're going to have to struggle for a long time.

For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.

I don't think there has been any increase in sophistication in the audience. When people are aware of a concept that's easy to understand, and there's an actor who will attract them to the theater and it's a movie that's funny three-quarters of the time, it will be successful.

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

So while it is true that I find really dark stuff funny sometimes, it's also true that as a writer of books I want to have the whole range of human emotions.

When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government, the fundamentalists say that we and the Bush Administration are in the same camp. The funny thing is that human rights activists and Mr. Bush can never be situated in the same group.

So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work.