Bob Monkhouse

A tom cat hijacked a plane stuck a pistol into the pilots ribs and demanded Take me to the canaries.

When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather didin his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

My father only hit me once but he used a Volvo.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.