Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.

Asparagus inspires gentle thoughts.

I have had playmates, I have had companions; In my days of childhood, in my joyful school days - All, all are gone, the old familiar faces.

A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market.

The man must have a rare recipe for melancholy, who can be dull in Fleet Street.

I love to lose myself in other men's minds.

Man is a gaming animal. He must always be trying to get the better in something or other.

A book reads the better which is our own, and has been so long known to us, that we know the topography of its blots, and dog's ears, and can trace the dirt in it to having read it at tea with buttered muffins.

The human species, according to the best theory I can form of it, is composed of two distinct races, the men who borrow and the men who lend.

Boys are capital fellows in their own way, among their mates; but they are unwholesome companions for grown people.

Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.

My theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it.

Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever puts one down without the feeling of disappointment.

The beggar wears all colors fearing none.

I could never hate anyone I knew.

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is.

Riches are chiefly good because they give us time.

To be sick is to enjoy monarchical prerogatives.

For thy sake, tobacco, I would do anything but die.

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

She unbent her mind afterwards - over a book.

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

Shakespeare is one of the last books one should like to give up, perhaps the one just before the Dying Service in a large Prayer book.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Clap an extinguisher upon your irony if you are unhappily blessed with a vein of it.

The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth and have it found out by accident.

The teller of a mirthful tale has latitude allowed him. We are content with less than absolute truth.

We gain nothing by being with such as ourselves. We encourage one another in mediocrity. I am always longing to be with men more excellent than myself.

What is reading, but silent conversation.

My motto is: Contented with little, yet wishing for more.

Nothing puzzles me more than the time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.

A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect.

We grow gray in our spirit long before we grow gray in our hair.

Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.

New Year's Day is every man's birthday.

Some people have a knack of putting upon you gifts of no real value, to engage you to substantial gratitude. We thank them for nothing.

The red-letter days, now become, to all intents and purposes, dead-letter days.

It is good to love the unknown.

The measure of choosing well, is, whether a man likes and finds good in what he has chosen.

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.

The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive - you are leaking.

I'd like to grow very old as slowly as possible.

Pain is life - the sharper, the more evidence of life.

Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength.

Let us live for the beauty of our own reality.

Cards are war, in disguise of a sport.

Of all sound of all bells... Most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year

Brandy and water spoils two good things.

My motto is Contented with little yet wishing for more.