The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.

Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story.

In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king.

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.

Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.

I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.

I remember one time when all the nuns in my Catholic grade school got around in a semicircle, me and Mom in the middle, and they said, 'Mrs. Farley, the children at school are laughing at Christopher, not with him.' I thought, 'Who cares? As long as they're laughing.'

I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn't apply. But they do. It's still life on life's terms, not on movie-star terms. I still have to work at relationships. I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

I want to live fast and die young.

I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work... on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and we went to Le Dome and had tons of desserts.

Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I'm a human being like everyone else. I'm not exempt.

People... need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, 'I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.'

I wanted to be a cool mom. It was hectic. I felt very isolated for a long time, but in the end, it was cool because it helped me and Ninja stick together. If we hadn't, we would have maybe drifted.

Every positive change in your life begins with a clear, unequivocal decision that you are going to either do something or stop doing something.

My grandmother Izzy taught me to balance her checkbook when I was 6 years old. She would sign the checks after I paid the bills. I had a chuckle with my grandmother recently on how 'unbalanced' her checkbook must have been years ago.

I actually had a job while I was acting and was a nursing student, which I had to drop due to my 9-5 job at the time. I managed an instrument room at a hospital in the Bronx.

I had a kiss with Raquel Welch's daughter - she was a very naughty kisser.

I started the nuclear medicine laboratory at UW Hospitals in 1959 and trained radiology residents in the field. It was 1965 before they found a trained MD (doctor) to take over my role.

Nothing is more unreliable than the populace, nothing more obscure than human intentions, nothing more deceptive than the whole electoral system.

Money is like water in sufficient volume it erodes the bedrock of principle and cuts its own channel.

It isn't the hours you put in, but what you put in the hours.

But I really believe it is in America's interest as well as that of the free world more generally to stop Iran from getting its hands on nuclear weapons. This regime has threatened to wipe Israel off the map and bring about a world without America, and either of those is a really bad prospect.

He was a father. Thats what a father does. Eases the burdens of those he loves. Saves the ones he loves from painful last images that might endure for a lifetime.

I learned this about coaching You dont have to explain victory and you cant explain defeat.

I would like to sit down with Oprah, just because I'd like to talk to her. I want to sit down and, like, converse. Like, 'Honey, let's chat!'

The quality of your life will be in direct proportion to the level of your gratitude.

I want to communicate through my music. If you want to know Geri Halliwell listen to my album: it tells you more about me than a documentary ever could.

The more that voting is glorified as a panacea, the more lackadaisical people become about preserving their constitutional rights.

The bottom line is I'm a slow zombie guy - I'm always a slow zombie guy but I also know I'm in the minority.

I'd made these experimental films but I thought the major chore of a filmmaker was to relate to actors.

A good balance of winning and losing is important. If you just win all the time, you won't get anything out of it; having some tough losses can be really important.

You must see it. You must believe it. And then you must never stop working to make it happen.

Every economy is uncertain. Referring to this or any economy as "uncertain" is an unnecessary and pessimistic redundancy.

The things I want to make into a film, they're personal, esoteric things, and I don't expect anyone else to like them as much as I do. I generally like my films more than anybody else will.

Had Roosevelt been caught, we would have been in a lot of trouble. It would have been very embarrassing.

Ronald Reagan wasn't qualified to be governor, let alone president.