The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.

Everyone is treating it like a Hollywood story. In Madison, it's a neighborhood story.

In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king.

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.

Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.

I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.

I remember one time when all the nuns in my Catholic grade school got around in a semicircle, me and Mom in the middle, and they said, 'Mrs. Farley, the children at school are laughing at Christopher, not with him.' I thought, 'Who cares? As long as they're laughing.'

I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn't apply. But they do. It's still life on life's terms, not on movie-star terms. I still have to work at relationships. I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

I want to live fast and die young.

I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work... on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and we went to Le Dome and had tons of desserts.

Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I'm a human being like everyone else. I'm not exempt.

People... need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, 'I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.'

I'm an actor, in particular, that likes to have a mask or something that can help me distance myself from the character. Like the moustache or an accent.

Thankfully, beauty is easier to remove than apply, and a swipe of demaquillage in the right direction and you are you once again.

At the age of 31, I realized, 'Oh my God, I may die like everyone else.'

There's absolutely no way you can feel the freedom to embarrass and humiliate yourself unless you have finally recognized that your identity is in someone other than yourself.

In Hollywood films everything is tidied up at the end with clean lines and clean character definitions. It's sort of unsatisfying.

You should have seen me in my Catholic school girl skirt with my knees knocking together.

We who are interested in relative truth have to keep digging for it and not let ourselves be sucked under.

He who would tell divers tales must know how to vary the tune.

I have been afraid of guns, I have sworn I would never use a gun on another person and so did not need one, and I have wanted to deny the existence of evil.

I was a Swedish guy who listened to Too Short.

We are afraid of the enormity of the possible.

Since I learned English, I've become a motormouth!

It takes struggle a goal and enthusiasm to make a champion.

Even military ministers have no more than a certain amount of control. It is customary that they have the right and the power to participate, from a political and military point of view, in the planning of actual operations.

Some actors try to play parts and do things they can't do. Being funny is one of them. Being funny's hard.

Always remember: My general theme is 'There is no message.' There never has been. Stop trying to find the message or the meaning in everything. That's. My. Theme.

Happiness exists on earth, and it is won through prudent exercise of reason, knowledge of the harmony of the universe, and constant practice of generosity.

That is, the only reason salvation is necessary is to get us back to the garden. The Pentateuch not only presents where we began but also why we are not there any more, and why and how we need to get back.

I don't engage in social media, which has its good and bad sides, I guess - but the good side is when people hate my guts, I'm kind of oblivious to it.

It's been really interesting watching people's reactions to the new music, to the old music and also watching how modern young people will be standing in front of something going on like live music, and there's a camera in front of their face.

I do needlepoint from kits. I give them as gifts to people in the form of cushion covers and they are often speechless with horror.

When one set of Jews labels another set of Jews 'anti-Semitic,' they are trying to monopolize the right to speak in the name of the Jews. So the allegation of anti-Semitism is actually a cover for an intra-Jewish quarrel.

Everything goes by the board: honor, pride, decency to get the book written.

Yes, my first memory of singing, in general, was of a Christmas song. And then listening to Christmas music was really the first music I was ever connected to.