There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

George Bush hates midgets.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

I don't believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don't believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you're trying material.

I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.

I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say.

I live way below my means.

I love being famous. It's almost like being white.

I realized with Broadway everything written for black people is usually written in the past, and I'm kind of a contemporary guy. I don't think you want to see me in 'Raisin in the Sun'.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.