Craig Ferguson

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

Anyone whos just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up that stuff is very similar.

It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

During the Cold War West Berlin was a exclave a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin Texas.

I dont think theres anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isnt fashionable.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Sober alkies are often asked When did you hit rock bottom but a more informed question might be How many times did you hit rock bottom

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of connecticut.

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I wanted to be a rock star.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.