What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

I don't watch reality TV.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I have no grand scheme.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I never wanted to be famous.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm not like a performer type.

I'm not really a music guy.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Dont get me wrong I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they cant get away.

I was a typical farm boy. I liked the farm. I enjoyed the things that you do on a farm, go down to the drainage ditch and fish, and look at the crawfish and pick a little cotton.

Well, after I had the heart attack, it was a very simple choice. What the doctor told me I did and I did it religiously. I ate nothing but lean turkey breast or chicken breast or a piece of fish that was very lean. I mean I stayed away from everything.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish.

I don't ask for an apology because it's only tomorrow's fish-and-chip paper.

Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken of the Sea.'

I've caught fish as big as I am. I've caught marlin close to 300 pounds.

I'm going to gut you like a fish.

We sold a certain, steady amount of product for them and they could count on it. When it came time to ask for the money for this new record, they dropped us. It was fine with us. It was a dead fish.

Have you ever wondered why young people take to music like fish to water? Maybe it's because music is fun. Plan and simple. It opens up their minds to dream great dreams about where they can go and what they can do when they get older.

If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime.

Fish sticks and beef stew that millions of children love to hate.

What is a fish without a river? What is a bird without a tree to nest in? What is an Endangered Species Act without any enforcement mechanism to ensure their habitat is protected? It is nothing.

A great lie is like a great fish on dry land; it may fret and fling and make a frightful bother, but it cannot hurt you. You have only to keep still, and it will die of itself.

Neither fish, flesh nor good red herring.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Our fish, our recreation, our irrigation and all our uses of the Missouri River are threatened if the drought continues and the Corps of Engineers decisions aren't changed.

I just like to catch fish, I don't care if it weighs half a pound or 10 pounds. But I can't do a lot of casting. I can work a jig or a worm. But not for long, especially if the big ones are biting. Those big bass will make it hurt after a while.

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.