Dave Barry

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life she will choose to save the infants life without even considering if there is a man on base.

Once again we come to the Holiday Season a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way by going to the mall of his choice.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

The best baby sitters of course are the babys grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

It is inhumane in my opinion to force people who genuinely have a medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.

Harvard University according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities is a type of weevil.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing during this very special time of year is that you save the receipt.

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be meetings.

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings even the truth.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

The problem with winter sports is that follow me closely here they generally take place in winter.

The internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

We believe that electricity exists because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Remember What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life she will choose to save the infants life without even considering if there are men on base.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Each year millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Nobody cares if you cant dance well. Just get up and dance.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on.

Today it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

Like all writers my greatest inspiration my ultimate muse is a deadline.

Generally the pythons are better than anything else at killing.

The easiest way to make a fruit cake is to buy a darkish cake then pound some old hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will give you this look that says My God youre RIGHT I NEVER wouldve thought of that

Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Camping is natures way of promoting the motel business.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far Ive finished two bags of MMs and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads he would have made them cute and furry.

Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

By the eighties a lot of radio stations had started playing sixties music. They called it Classic Rock because they knew wed be upset if they came right out and called it what it is namely middle aged person nostalgia music.