The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.