Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

Way too much coffee. But if it werent for the coffee Id have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

When you think about flying its nuts really. Here you are at about 40000 feet screaming along at 700 miles an hour and youre sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesnt make any sense.

Fathers Day when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

When I was a kid in Indiana we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.