Demetri Martin

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch French fries.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I dont go camping anymore.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but its perfect for eyebrows.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

A lot of people like lollipops. I dont like lollipops. To me a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I dont need a handle. Just give me the candy.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And of course they are not mutually exclusive.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

Its always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um wait than... something maybe.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if hes persuasive.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

To me, comedy is a game.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Ive often liked a girl made her laugh and thought she liked me and then found out that she didnt like me that way. Ive definitely done time in the friend zone.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

A dreamcatcher works if your dream is to be gay.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

Have a great day. Note does not apply to my enemies.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Hiking is just walking where its okay to pee.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'