Dick Gregory

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.

I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don't have the ability to be lovable.

There's a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

I went to Ethiopia, and it dawned on me that you can tell a starving, malnourished person because they've got a bloated belly and a bald head. And I realized that if you come through any American airport and see businessmen running through with bloated bellies and bald heads, that's malnutrition, too.

Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can't afford it.

When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.

In most places in the country voting is looked upon as a right and a duty but in Chicago its a sport. In Chicago not only your vote counts but all kinds of other votes kids dead folks and so on.

Once I realised the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.

I never thought I'd see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.

Now here's what I'm saying: I've always believed that every other month we hear about compromisation of bank records, I think that's the CIA and the FBI. Now let me tell you why I'm saying this. I don't believe no insignificant pip-squeak is going to be able to pull this off month after month and we can't find out what's going on.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained.

There is a limit on how much information you can keep bottled up.

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

You hear entertainers all the time, saying, 'If I couldn't get paid for this, I'd do it for free.' When's the last time you ever heard a business person say, 'If I couldn't get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I'd do it for free'?

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

If you take 12 waters from the coconut - not the ones you buy in the store, although that's good - but the fresh coconuts, the little brown ones with the three eyes, if you take 12 of those within 24 hours, your blood will go back to the way it was when you were born.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

I waited at the counter of a white restaurant for eleven years. When they finally integrated, they didn't have what I wanted.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.

The only good thing about the good old days is theyre gone.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.