My own little rule was two for one. If one of my teammates got knocked down, then I knocked down two on the other team.

When I throw a curve that hangs and it goes for a hit, I want to chew up my glove.

Some of these guys wear beards to make them look intimidating, but they don't look so tough when they have to deliver the ball. Their abilities and their attitudes don't back up their beards.

I hate all hitters. I start a game mad and I stay that way until it's over.

If they knocked two of your guys down, I'd get four. You have to protect your hitters.

A torn rotator cuff is a cancer for a pitcher and if a pitcher gets a badly torn one, he has to face the facts, it's all over baby.

The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid, and if he is timid, he has to remind the hitter he's timid.

When we played, World Series checks meant something. Now all they do is screw your taxes.

My own little rule was two for one. If one of my teammates got knocked down, then I knocked down two on the other team.

Some of these guys wear beards to make them look intimidating but they dont look so tough when they have to deliver the ball. Their abilities and their attitudes dont back up their beards.

The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid. And if the hitter is timid, he has to remind the hitter he's timid.

The smallest of contributions made collectively makes the biggest difference.

To look in the eyes of audiences and see the kind of naughty glee that they got with being on the inside, the audience becomes your co-conspirators.

Critical in this process of wisdom being passed down is that you also need to take it in; you need to listen to it.

Taking care of my skin so that it's healthy and glowing, especially with all the travelling and training, is important and makes me feel presentable. I don't wear makeup when I compete, and that's when I'm photographed the most, so I have to make sure it looks good!

I am mad for nature writing. I want to get inside the head of every creature in the world, even ants.

I call myself a harp because I like the sound of the word - it is short, sharp, and abusive.

Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings.

I'm basically nocturnal.

I was a precocious only child, and then I went through a fat, awkward stage for several years, so I learned to fall back on my humor and personality when I was growing up. It's how you survive, so I think it was more of a natural progression for me, developing into comedy.

My style is not specific to the antebellum South, but it's heavily inspired by the Jim Crow era.

And for me there's still more material than 20 lifetimes that I can use up.

You need to tell the truth to the audience, or they will throw a brick through the TV. They'll turn you off.

The cell phone has become the adults transitional object replacing the toddlers teddy bear for comfort and a sense of belonging.

Pick your poison.

And that's just what I'm saying. I would never want to be like certain people, who change the way they dress, go out in disguise, wear a big floppy hat and dark shades. I would hate that.

Dedicate some of your life to others. Your dedication will not be a sacrifice. It will be an exhilarating experience because it is an intense effort applied toward a meaningful end.

As the saying goes, I want to be the best-looking corpse there is.

What would life be like if everybody insisted you must have actually built such-and-such a thing by yourself? I'd be an old man and have nothing to show for the aging.

Did Anthony Hopkins really have to be a serial killer to be in 'Silence of the Lambs?,' I don't think so, no. It's called acting, people.

Morality arose largely as an empirical defence of the individual and society. Ever since intelligent beings began to be in contact, and consequently in friction, they have felt the need to guard themselves against each other's encroachments.

Some people say that in stressful situations I can seem unflappable, and I think that's partly because I'm always kind of internally flapped.

Watch out for each other. Love everyone and forgive everyone, including yourself. Forgive your anger. Forgive your guilt. Your shame. Your sadness. Embrace and open up your love, your joy, your truth, and most especially your heart.

Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.

As far as what makes a viral video, then it's gotta be something that you've either never seen before, a fresh piece of comedy, or something that relates to something topical.