The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

After I graduated, I tried Broadway, which was difficult for me. It was tough to get a part on Broadway, so I just started talking to audiences at different social gatherings, and little by little I became Don Rickles - whatever that is.

Alan King, a comedian I adored, was considered society, and I was considered the Jewish kid from the neighborhood.

Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God.

An insult is mean or unkind. Milton Berle called me the Sultan of Insult, and I was called the King of Insult. But the guy that gave me the best title - and I use it to this day - was Johnny Carson. He called me Mr. Warmth.

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib.

Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore.

Compared to what some of the young comics use for material today, I'm a priest.

Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it.

Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend!

Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.

Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, 'Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?'

Funny is funny.

Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.

I always say, when you're onstage you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's okay. Thank God the majority are in my corner.

I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

I couldn't sell air conditioners on a 98-degree day. When I demonstrated them in a showroom, I pushed the wrong button and blew the circuit.

I didn't get married until I was 38.

I do situations and make fun of authority and life.

I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.

I don't like to compare myself with anybody.

I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.'

I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh.

I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.

I have a wonderful road manager, and he travels with me. And my valet and friend travels with me. My little entourage is great, and they take good care of me.

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.

I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know.

I never went out looking for glory.

I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day.

I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke.

I still have drive, but everything is relative.

I stopped smoking. But my personality I still have. I get up in the morning, and not everybody loves me, so if you want to call that a bad habit, there's that.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

I told jokes badly.

I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat.

I was 28 when my father died, and I was an only child.

I was a mother's boy.

I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.

I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried.

I was nice to the people in the Philippines for the two and a half years I was there, because I knew eventually I'd have to kiss up to them so my grandchildren could have toys.

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.