A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice.

There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware.

Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three - and paradise is when you have none.

Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

The cat could very well be mans best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life thered be a shortage of fishing poles.

Few things are more delightful than grandchildren fighting over your lap.

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.

Some of the worlds greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

Heredity is a splendid phenomenon that relieves us of responsibility for our shortcomings.

Establishing goals is all right if you dont let them deprive you of interesting detours.

The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.

Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept.

Bad news travels fast. Good news takes the scenic route.