Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.

People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

That's the great thing about having your friends around you. I've known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn't ask for a better work environment.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.

Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.

Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

I'm competitive at everything.

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off.

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.

'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.

Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.

After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.

At 'Price Is Right,' people feel so safe there and loved. And if you can't jump around on 'Price is Right,' then you can't jump around anywhere, you know?

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.

I always run in the morning on an empty stomach, and I'll go through a bottle and a half of water. Then I have a protein drink or I eat egg whites.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

I am never out there just jogging for the heck of it. I never do that. I start to run with a goal in mind, whether it's a certain time or certain distance or a specific heart-rate goal, and then I am done.

I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me.

I don't know what people are going to think of my stand-up. If you only know me from 'The Price Is Right' and 'The Drew Carey Show,' then you might be a little bit shocked. I'm a little dirty and a little opinionated but all in fun.

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

I don't think there's hardly a comic out there that does clean material all the way around. There's a couple of guys that are clean, but I'm not one of them.

I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me.