Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years.

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

The message of great art is to disturb.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.