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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
Emo Philips
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
Emo Philips
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
Emo Philips
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
I once had a large gay following but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Emo Philips
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.
Emo Philips