Evan Esar

Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat the more they have to swallow.

A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesnt fit.

A vacation is like love: anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.

The diamond is the hardest stone to get.

With a braggart its no sooner done than said.

Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems except the things in this world that just dont add up.

When a schoolboy has original ideas, they are usually confined to spelling.

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery amputation at the neck.

Age brings wisdom to some men and to others chess.

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasnt done it.

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired.

A cynic sees little to admire in the world while the world sees even less to admire in him.

Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.

Hindsight is good foresight is better but second sight is best of all.

Walking isnt a lost art one must by some means get to the garage.

The most popular form of altruism is giving to others the advice you cannot use yourself.

This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.

A laugh a day keeps the psychiatrist away.

You cant judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.

There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window.

Tact is the ability to shut your mouth before someone else does it for you.

Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting yes.

We do not stop laughing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop laughing.

Consistency is a jewel, but too much jewelry is vulgar.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isnt trying to reform her husband.

Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended.

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

Tact is giving a person a pat on the back when you feel like giving him a kick in the pants.

Success comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration, and inspiration!

Consistency is a jewel but too much jewelry is vulgar.

An obsession is an idea which you must get out of your mind if you are not to go out of your mind.

A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.

The man who avoids debt doesn't have to worry about avoiding his creditors.

Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.

If you cant win make the fellow ahead of you break the record.

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.

A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

In elections the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.

Family A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space the children with outer space and the mother with closet space.

A gentleman farmer never dirties himself with the soil or soils himself with the dirt.