If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

My favorite animal is steak.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

Nothing succeeds like address.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

If you're going to America, bring your own food.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.