They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

I don't have a great eye for detail. I leave blanks in all of my stories. I leave out all detail, which leaves the reader to fill in something better.

I talk in subjects and verbs, and sort of wind around in concentric circles until I get far enough away from the beginning so that I can call it the end, and it ends.

I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On the basis of that wrong impression, I became the editor of the campus literary magazine.

I've wanted to be a writer since I was a boy, though it seemed an unlikely outcome since I showed no real talent. But I persevered and eventually found my own row to hoe. Ignorance of other writers' work keeps me from discouragement and I am less well-read than the average bus driver.

Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won't feel so thankful then.

The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage. A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his shoulder and says, 'Daddy, I need to ask you something,' he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan.

The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don't want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage.

When you're in your 20s, your 30s, even, you have - at least, I had - vast ambitions, and you sit around mooning about these things, and you're depressed, because you haven't done them. And it takes you a long time to come to the realization that if you can't be John Updike, well, then, you can't.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn’t hear the barbarians coming.

A man can't eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul.

Theres no mastery to be had. You love the attempt. You dont master a story any more than you master a river. You feel lucky to canoe down it.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that its compulsory like a thunderstorm and we all go through it together.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent and what do you get for it A ham.

Youd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the news.

You taught me to be nice so nice that now I am so full of niceness I have no sense of right and wrong no outrage no passion.

Majestic doesnt appeal to us. We like the Grand Canyon better with Clarence and Arlene parked in front of it smiling.

Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.

When you're a little kid, your heart is open and tender and a harsh word can go straight in and become part of your life.

March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.

When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

A good newspaper is never quite good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.