Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

At my age flowers scare me.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

If I had taken my doctors advice and quit smoking when he advised me to I wouldnt have lived to go to his funeral.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I dont have something to hang on to I might fall down.

First you forget names then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I cant remember if its the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

By the time youre eighty years old youve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Happiness is having a large loving caring close knit family in another city.

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

Love is a lot like a backache it doesnt show up on X rays but you know its there.