Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.

Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her.

Home is any four walls that enclose the right person.

Woman: the peg on which the wit hangs his jest, the preacher his text, the cynic his grouch and the sinner his justification.

Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart.

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.

Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.

The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.

There's so much saint in the worst of them, and so much devil in the best of them, that a woman who's married to one of them, has nothing to learn of the rest of them.

France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest divorces in the world are "made in America."

No man can understand why a woman shouldn't prefer a good reputation to a good time.

There are only two kinds of men; the dead and the deadly.

In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.

Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts, and his higher nature - and another woman to help him forget them.

A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant.

It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son - and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand new place.

After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.

The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.

Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.

Jealousy is the tie that binds, and binds, and binds.

When you see what some women marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.

A fool and her money are soon courted.

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.

A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.

The woman who appeals to a man's vanity may stimulate him, the woman who appeals to his heart may attract him, but it is the woman who appeals to his imagination who gets him.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover after he has stopped guessing.

After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.

A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

You will never win if you never begin.

And verily, a woman need know but one man well, in order to understand all men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them.

Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same way more than half of the time.

Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor.

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

There are people whose watch stops at a certain hour and who remain permanently at that age.