It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

I don't even like old cars. I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake.

I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot.

An artist's only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else's.

Goddam money. It always ends up making you blue as hell.

I don't exactly know what I mean by that, but I mean it.

All morons hate it when you call them a moron.

You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phoney stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart.

I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty... you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.

People never believe you.

They didn't act like people and they didn't act like actors. It's hard to explain. They acted more like they knew they were celebrities and all. I mean they were good, but they were too good.

I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

He had a theory, Walt did, that the religious life, and all the agony that goes with it, is just something God sics on people who have the gall to accuse Him of having created an ugly world.

The worst thing that being an artist could do to you would be that it would make you slightly unhappy constantly.

I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect.

How long should a man's legs be? Long enough to touch the ground.

Its really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs.

How do you know you're going to do something, untill you do it?

People never notice anything.

I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life.

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody.

Mothers are all slightly insane.

It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.

It was a very stupid thing to do, I'll admit, but I hardly didn't even know I was doing it.

I like to write. I love to write. But I write just for myself and my own pleasure.

I'm known as a strange, aloof kind of man. But all I'm doing is trying to protect myself and my work.

Some stories, my property, have been stolen. Someone's appropriated them. It's an illicit act. It's unfair. Suppose you had a coat you liked, and somebody went into your closet and stole it. That's how I feel.

There is a marvelous peace in not publishing. It's peaceful. Still. Publishing is a terrible invasion of my privacy.

An artist’s only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else’s.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

I've survived a lot of things, and I'll probably survive this.

A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you been drinkin jack and coke all morning. she can make you feel high, for the single greatest comodity known to man - promise.

Even a little self control can save you a lot of timeIts really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs.

It's funny, 'cause it seems like just yesterday that I was the youngest player just starting out. But now there are young players all over the league, and they'll ask me questions about playing overseas or finding an agent.

When Frank the Pug is singing I Will Survive, the only reason it's funny is that Will is in that shot trying not to get angry. A shot of a dog singing I Will Survive on its own will not get a laugh.

I sometimes lie awake at night trying to think of something funny that Richard Nixon said.

Robert Altman's Nashville is my all-time favorite film because it covers all the bases - it's original, moving, and has something to say, but also funny and incredibly entertaining.

You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody.

There's a constant flow of child actors. It's kind of funny to watch the new crew come through. I think, You poor little things. You're going to have to struggle for a long time.

For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.

I don't think there has been any increase in sophistication in the audience. When people are aware of a concept that's easy to understand, and there's an actor who will attract them to the theater and it's a movie that's funny three-quarters of the time, it will be successful.

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

So while it is true that I find really dark stuff funny sometimes, it's also true that as a writer of books I want to have the whole range of human emotions.

When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government, the fundamentalists say that we and the Bush Administration are in the same camp. The funny thing is that human rights activists and Mr. Bush can never be situated in the same group.