Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

Ambition beats genius 99% of the time

A Christmas tree the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think its safe to say that after all these years Diet Coke is a complete failure.

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.

If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasnt for any religious reasons. They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

New Years Eve where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless of course those tests come back positive.

How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lotteryx9D

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.

Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price.

Today is Valentine's Day--or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

I did work out every day. I needed it to have the endurance to do what needed to be done and not get hurt. I have such a new respect for action stars now.