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If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

Jeff Foxworthy
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The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
Jeff Foxworthy
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
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Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
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Jeff Foxworthy
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
Jeff Foxworthy
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
Jeff Foxworthy
I know God is real.
Jeff Foxworthy
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
Jeff Foxworthy
I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
Jeff Foxworthy
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
Jeff Foxworthy
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Jeff Foxworthy
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
Jeff Foxworthy
I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.
Jeff Foxworthy
You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
Jeff Foxworthy
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
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I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
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Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
Jeff Foxworthy
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
Jeff Foxworthy
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
Jeff Foxworthy
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
Jeff Foxworthy
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
Jeff Foxworthy
It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
Jeff Foxworthy
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
Jeff Foxworthy
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
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There's no down time any more.
Jeff Foxworthy
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
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When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
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Jeff Foxworthy
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
Jeff Foxworthy
If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
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The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy
Country music is about new love and it's about old love.
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I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
Jeff Foxworthy