People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.

A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.

Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.

I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time.

I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense.

I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.

I like definitive things.

I like money, but it's never been about the money.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.