The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

It never hurt Lenny Bruce's career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in.

Comedy is really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title.

Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that's why everybody loved him so much.

Dick Gregory was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, protests. It never hurt his career to be outspoken.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.

After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird.

Being a celebrity or anything else where you're really ambitious, it's really a game to see how successful you can get.

Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends.

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me.

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.

My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they're my best friends.

People want their 15 minutes and are willing to do anything to get it.

I had a great time on News Radio, I got to make tons of money in relative obscurity and learn a lot about the TV biz and work on my standup act constantly. It was a dream gig.

People for the most part can smell lies.

Apartment living is tough action. Just the whole idea that you share a washer and dryer always freaked me out.

When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.

Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time.

I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with.

I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.

If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.

If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it?

I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.

The Comedy Store in LA, it's a really loose room and it's really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage.

Have you ever talked to someone, and you're not even really talking to them? Actors are the worst for that.

I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.

Although not considered a martial art, boxing is really a martial art. It's a very limited martial art as long as you agree to just box... but in an actual physical fight against someone who's just a wrestler, you're going to get killed.

Any comic like myself owes everything he has to Lenny Bruce. He was the originator. The godfather of uncensored American stand-up is clearly Lenny Bruce.

As a longtime practitioner of yoga and a person who's been involved in physical fitness my whole life, I can tell you, yoga helps you achieve altered states of consciousness. It is not just stretching. The only way you can say that it's stretching is if you haven't done it, or that you haven't done it rigorously for a long period of time.

Faith itself is a horrible mechanism that stunts the growth of ideas. It also stunts the act of questioning, and it does this by pushing the idea that you have to have faith - and that nothing has to be proven.

I do cagefight commentary in my spare time.

I had a sense of who I was before I got famous.

I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.

I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.

I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else.

I think that one of the reasons why people look towards the end of humanity is that people are afraid to die alone. If you die alone, the people you love will miss you, or if they die, you miss them - the sorrow is inevitable. When you truly love someone, the thought of losing them forever is horrible.

I'm afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is.

I've been involved in mixed martial arts since 1997 when I first started working for the UFC.

I've done jiujitsu a huge chunk of my life, and I try to spend a lot of time educating people on the nuances, the subtleness of the ground game. It's a big part of mixed martial arts.

No matter how civilized we are and how much society has curbed violent behavior. Human beings still have the same genes they had 10,000 years ago. Our bodies are designed to have a certain amount of physical stress and violence in them. We're designed to run from jaguars and fight to defend our territory.

Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.

Reality really is theater. There's no other way to describe it. It's all so nonsensical, ridiculous and chaotic.

Stand-up is still my favorite, but the podcast is a close second. It's so fun, and it's given me the opportunity to have three-hour conversations with people I wouldn't have otherwise been able to talk to. When I talked to Maynard Keenan from Tool, I almost couldn't believe it was happening.