I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.

You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led.

I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.

I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It's my own paranoia.

Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.

I also want to return to doing stand-up. I've become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.

My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with.

There's lots of stuff about me being a fan of Cliff but not being gay. Which suggests that he is, but he's not. Anyway, this is Channel 4, let their lawyers sort it out.

They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.

I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show.

You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.

I've got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather an egg on legs.

We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.

I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.

I use very few muscles at the best of times.

If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.

For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason.

My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.

We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves.

There's this idea that it has to be made in London. But we've got everything up here, and if you've got comics who are gifted because of where they're from, you shouldn't drag them away from that natural resource.

This autocue was obviously written for someone else and I've been brought in at the last minute.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.

With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.

I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.

Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

'Johnny' was a coping mechanism who could take those things which could have ordinarily destroyed me, by tweaking my past and throwing it back out there, getting laughs from things that would have otherwise upset me.

Class still matters in Britain today.

Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.

From a certain age, I sort of accepted myself for what I was. And although to other people it was like nothing ever goes right, I had a really nice attitude that I'd inherited from my parents, and especially from my dad.

Health-wise, I couldn't have said what my life expectancy would've been if I'd just carried on doing solid blocks of stand-up.

I am a big fan of smelly cheeses but the rest of the family don't seem to be particularly keen on them.

I am very proud of what 'Johnny' achieved in stand-up comedy because he believed entirely in giving an audience the best kick he could. But he was someone who was quite detrimental to my health, both emotionally and physically.

I avoid any kind of organised trips as that's one of my bugbears.

I believe that Britain is becoming more class-conscious, and I quake at the very idea of Old Etonians ruling the world again.

I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion.

I came from a very loving home, had a happy life with no great aspirations, but going to the seminary changed me. There was a chunk of my childhood missing. Once I'd realised it wasn't for me, I still felt a tremendous pressure to continue for fear of letting everybody down.

I couldn't be 'Johnny' in front of a camera in acting jobs and behind the camera I like to be 'Michael.' With directing, you can't do it by halves. There's a lot of reflection, and I have found that I, as 'Michael,' thrive on it. It's lovely coming home and feeling that stuff from a day's work as myself.

I do need to explore my faith, because it has got lost over the years and it has been kind of tainted through experience. But I also know it's enriched my life, my dad being a Catholic.

I get obsessed with decorations and decorating the house. I keep it tasteful outside, but when you get inside it is a bit like Blackpool illuminations, I go bonkers!

I had a massive amount of self-belief when I did stand-up.

I hate flying, airports and the whole rigmarole - queuing up, security and lost luggage.

I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

I still give myself the right to be highly critical of others, though.

I struggle as a writer, and I'm convinced that if I was at school now, I'd be termed as having ADS. Two minutes and I'm drifting.

I think I'm realising more and more that I've got a job to do and I can't be doing the big nights out and working to my full potential the next day. I feel much better for it.

I think if you're at the point where you're popular enough to sell your wedding photos to OK! Magazine then you don't need the money.