If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work and be proud that I tried everything.

Democrats always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house we had an enormous feast and then I killed them and took their land.

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor.

Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.

Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.

Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done.

The perception is that more important people watch news in the evenings than in the mornings.