Josh Billings

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

Tears are a good alterative, but a poor diet.

Consider the postage stamp my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.

It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven.

There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them.

Rivalry and envy are Siamese twins.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it as the old woman did her lost spectacles - on her own nose all the time.

Keep a cow and then the milk wont have to be watered but once.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.

If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.

If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.

Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves.

Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldnt be any fun living in it or profit.

There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it.

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

Theres a great power in words if you dont hitch too many of them together.

If you would make yourself agreeable wherever you go listen to the grievances of others but never relate your own.

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.

Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.

Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Building air castles is a harmless business as long as you dont attempt to live in them.

There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing.

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.

Misanthropy don't pay - there ain't no man living whose hate the world cares one cuss for.

True valor is like honesty; it enters into all that a man sees and does.

Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.

Genius aint anything more than elegant common sense.

If men were stubborn just in proportion as they were right, stubbornness would take her seat among the virtues; but men are generally stubborn just in proportion as they are ignorant and wrong.

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Contentment is a kind of moral laziness if there wasnt anything but contentment in his world man wouldnt be any more of a success than an angleworm is.

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way.

Titles are valuable; they make us acquainted with many persons who otherwise would be lost among the rubbish.

A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.

Reason often makes mistakes but conscience never does.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it you will find it as the old woman did her lost spectacles safe on her own nose all the time.

Theres lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they havent the time to enjoy it.

Common sense is an instinct given to man and enough of it is genius. Smartness is measured by the level of common sense one has not by how much educated or knowledgeable he is.

As a general thing, an individual who is neat in his person is neat in his morals.

It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash.

Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.

Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread.

Health is like munny, we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.

It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too.

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.

Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.

Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout.

Debt is like any other trap easy enough to get into but hard enough to get out of.

Common sense is the ability to see things as they are without prejudice and do things as they ought to be done without influence of any kind.

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply.

It is a darned sight easier to find six men who can tell exactly how a thing ought to be did than to find one who will do it.

The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm.

Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has.

The unfortunate do not pity the unfortunate.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Flattery is like cologne water to be smelt not swallowed

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.

Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.

A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself.

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.

One of the best temporary cures for pride and affection is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.

Pity costs nothing and it aint worth nothing.

Waves are inspiring not because they rise and fail, but because each time they fall. They never fail to rise again.

There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't.

Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.

Life is like a mountain after climbing up one side and sliding down the other put up the sled.

There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it.

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.

The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.

Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words.

Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe.

Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does.

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.

Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since.

I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

People who have nothing to say are never at a loss in talking.

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so.

The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear.

Health is like money, we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.