If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.

I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable.

I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R.

I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.

I'm basically always on tour.

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.

So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.

That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it.

Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.

But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.

I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits.

It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month.

That's life when you're on the D-list.

I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great.

My act has always reflected what's going on in my life.

The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.

My act is based on my life.

I am in love with Larry David.

I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.

Have I gone too far?

No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there.

Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.

If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.

Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true.

I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.

I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style.

I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.

The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.

I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.

The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.

I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.

I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.

I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.

I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.

I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.

I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound.

I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.

I love to work. I love doing standup.

I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.

I'm not somebody who no matter where I go there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party.

It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.

My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts.

Oh, I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. But that's just part of the deal. I'm not really sure what's going to come out of my mouth.

Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.

Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.

The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.