There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

All the world loves a good loser.

Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.

A loafer always has the correct time.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.

Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.

Nobody ever grew despondent looking for trouble.

It's what a fellow thinks he knows that hurts him.

After a fellow gets famous it doesn't take long for someone to bob up that used to sit by him in school.

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.

Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

I'll say this for adversity: people seem to be able to stand it, and that's more than I can say for prosperity.

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God's path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony: on a day when these things shall be heated in hell-fire, and their foreheads, and their sides, and their backs shall be branded therewith.

It's the good loser who finally loses out.

I don't look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you.

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it.

The world gels better every day - then worse again in the evening.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.

Men are not punished for their for sins, but by them.

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?

If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

It used to be that a fellow went on the police force when everything else failed, but today he goes in the advertising game.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

Every once in a while someone without a single bad habit gets caught.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick.

Listening is the only way to entertain some folks.

Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.