Don't believe in miracles - depend on them.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.

A censor is an expert in cutting remarks. A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us.

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.

When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout.

In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

Men now monopolize the upper levels... depriving women of their rightful share of opportunities for incompetence.

Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car.

As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.

The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure.

Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

If you don't know where you're going, you will probably end up somewhere else.

An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.

Nobody can be perfect unless he admits his faults, but if he has faults how can he be perfect?

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways when he crosses the street.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert.

You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there.

Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.

Lead, follow, or get out of the way.

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.

You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Don't let yourself indulge in vain wishes.

Slump, and the world slumps with you. Push, and you push alone.

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

The seaman tells stories of winds, the ploughman of bulls; the soldier details his wounds, the shepherd his sheep.

A man convinced against his will is not convinced.

Don't believe in miracles - depend on them.

Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.

The best intelligence test is what we do with our leisure.