Lewis Grizzard

If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes.

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawn.

Its difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

Instead of getting married again Im going to find a woman I dont like and give her a house.

Show business is my life.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca Cola one of lifes most delightful elixirs which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead is to put bourbon in it.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one.